VIRTUAL WORLD

Wikipedia, on date, defines Crush as a short-lived, intense and usually unrequited love, sexual attraction, or infatuation and infatuation is defined as the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love. Well most of the people who have studied romantic love, call crush or infatuation as the early stage of the love. Well I am not going to do another study of Romantic Love or the involved stages right now, though will love to do sometime in the classical light. Here, I am just answering another common question asked, every now and then, whether be it birthday parties, start of a new relation, leg pulling or whatever. The question in various forms, says the same i.e. “Enumerate your crushes from certain point of time of your life?”

This piece, answers the above mentioned question. The ‘point of time’ is assumed to be grade ninth. The period before ninth grade is assumed to be one span and periods after ninth grade have been divided smaller chunks for uniform distribution. Well, obviously this piece involves names, and many will not like their name appearing over here. In case you are the one whose name appears here and you quite don’t like it, please do inform me about the same, and I will be glad to remove your name. As a final word, I shall not be held responsible for any loss caused to you by this piece, and if you do so, please read the next line.

Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Well, I guess the stage is set to proceed towards the major of this piece now. Let me answer the question, mentioned in the beginning, in the light of the discussion held till this point. I will start with the longest span of time i.e. before Ninth Grade.

·         Umme Habiba: Loved the name. I couldn’t have loved anything else I was in grade fourth that time.

·         Sneha Agarwal: She could sing the song ‘Chori Chori’ so beautifully that I just could not resist liking her.

·         Swati Agarwal: She was the topper of our batch, or at least was among the top students. Looked pretty and I always wondered how can someone be academically so strong.

·         Ridhima Alagh: Was very fascinated by the story between her and Manu Srivastava. That was probably the first story I ever heard in the context. As such I even liked her name.

·         Richa Raghuwanshi: Again was fascinated by the name. ‘Raghuwanshi’ sounds so cool.

·         Renu Rathore: I admire her mental toughness and composure and to add icing, she was brilliant in academics.

In grade ninth, tenth, and eleventh I was completely absorbed into study and my own life so never got much time to think of anything else. I cannot recall if I had any major or minor crushes during that period. All I can recall are a few names which I have listed below,

·         Ankita Diwedi: I do not know if the name is right or wrong, anyway for sure it will be partially right. I guess she used to live in our campus and was probably the most composed and beautiful girl in existence that time. I remember me and my friends used to watch her while playing, and discussed lot about her.

·         Megha Tiwari: She was one of the prettiest girls living in our school campus, mind it was a boy’s school, and you do not get to see lots of girl in there.

Twelfth grade! This was the time I fell into a serious crush for the first time. The name of the girl was, actually, is still Meenal Gupta. I met this girl in some science quiz, liked the cherubic nature and fell for it. This was one of my longest crush and continued till first semester of my college.

Till the end of second year of the college, I again did not have any crushes, though I admired a number of faces. I do not quite well remember the names now and neither do I remember the faces but yes they were numerous. Most of the faces I still remember are of seniors and I do not know how to pen down the face. One among the seniors was a girl who used to smoke at Sky, C’not, (Places in my college campus) etc- She was not my crush (she carried herself in more horrible way than I do carry myself) but her smoking did fascinate me a lot. I recall name of one of the seniors, Shrankhala Upadhyaya, she was a master piece. I do not recall the names but some of the girls in her circle were cool too.

Thirds year, and I fell into hands of another crush. The name of the girl is Namita Negi. She is cute, simple, brainy, cherubic, and angelic. This was my last serious crush, as on this date, and is one of the longest one I ever had. I met her, fall for her, and proposed her (I proposed her via Email and that was so dumb.) and she said no and then a full stop. The good thing is that we are still talking and this is another good quality of her that separates her from other girls, she is clear in what she says (most of the time) and probably does not hooks to old things.

After finishing my first degree, I rejoined the college to earn another degree (I am still pursuing it), without which I cannot officially say that I am into computers. During this all, since my second year, another love, mind it not crushes was maturing and that was love for computers, grew to its maximum. After I rejoined the college, I did not have many thoughts that differed from the thoughts about computers so did not fall in any serious crush again other than a small one month relation but that was not crush.

Lastly, I have added another name Aditi Jha to this list, as I told to her after seeing one of her snaps and as per her, I will delete the name after seeing her in evening (Huh! Who does it after posting?). Anyway, I was just kidding, she is a good buddy and will crush me if I have crush over her.

So, that is all. Next time I am ever asked the question about my crushes, I am going to divert the askers here and if somehow you have read this all, please don’t ask me the same question again. Another thing, do put up a list of your crushes too, who knows, you find your name, in someone’s list, whose name appears in your list.

That is it! Bye for now, see you again.

 Everyday brings along with it a number of new experiences and somehow these all experiences have always got something to teach. Last thirty days too brought in some of the most varied experiences with them, the only difference was that I got damn confused in the way, about the lessons they were trying to teach. I got so baffled that I am still searching for words to bash myself. Anyway, I have tried my undemanding best to squiggle down my state of mind, in here. I don’t know why, but I am not able to even recall words and sometimes even not able to articulate the most uncomplicated words.

I am confused about what should I write here. One part of my mind is forcing towards the expression of guilt, while other is directing me to flush out my frustration. Sometimes I am feeling lucky and sometimes I am feeling about someone’s bad luck. One moment I am forced to think about my insaneness and the other moment I start believing in fate. My reasoning has grown strong, I am able to sway the low feelings but my mind has grown weak, they keep coming, whenever I recall a single day of the last thirty days. I won’t confuse you more, with my confusion, in plain words, this piece is about my relations with VB.NET. I know, I can express more naturally with cryptic words, but somehow, my heart is saying that I should not be encrypted this time.

I believe I am a simple person who keeps to himself, but I also believe that my animal quotient is too high. I believe I can speak things really differently and I know how to manipulate my sentences to make them the causal of effects desired by me. These two traits when come together, sometimes, become too powerful, and I do not have any control over the combination. I am not able to control the speed with, which my brain computes, and I do not have any control over what part of my brain gets active. In last thirty days these traits appeared in combination. I was speaking the most manipulative sentences, with all processing devoted, and with the animal side awake. Moreover, the support of lie was coming in rich supply.

Most of the time, I am alone, and I love the controlled life that I have, when I am alone. The mentioned traits have indeed, on occasions, forced me to be alone. Anyway, I am comfortable with me and myself. Aloofness is broken by friends, and again somehow I have always been in company of tough people. Most of the friends, I have had in life were either strong enough to punch and control me or were able to effect my thoughts, without getting their thoughts effected. I somehow gel up with the either the most careless people or with the one, with lots of wisdom but last thirty days had something else to shine on me.

I met a girl, who considered herself, to be smart and beautiful enough to fool around with others. As a matter of fact she is beautiful. I was introduced to her by someone holding very similar thoughts and at the moment of introduction, people around were kind enough to do things that evoked my animal instincts. That’s the time I regret now. I regret why I got introduced to her with that instinct in mind. Words started playing there role and idle brain got job to do. Well this is not a problem, it cannot cause harm to someone in a small duration of time, since my manipulations in general involve long time durations, but the problem was the person who got involved. It became more of subconscious mental tussle. The girl was trying to win over my mind, and my mind was boiling to win over her. I remember that I sensed that moment itself that she was going to loose and I spoke the same, but probably a fighting mind never accepts truths spoken as it is. Anyway, I know straight words, in midst of twisted ones are normally rendered false. Huh! Another manipulation I use too frequently. I won’t add this all was unintentional because it was finally my brain, though the two independent threads keep fighting that it was not me.

That meeting left the girl waiting for more grounds to fight, and as I said my manipulations are of long durations, I too planned my moves. This was the part that has left me with the feeling of guilt. I knew beforehand, that she was not mentally tough and I knew that she will never be able to understand what is happening, but I continued. Anyway, I blame my brain for that. During all this the girl was all very happy with the wins and seeing her moves succeed. The ugly part was I never failed her moves, I intentionally made her navigate the success path I had decided for her, and she did, she continued on the joy ride without ever perceiving what was happening.

During this duration of thirty days, we talked each day and we met six times. Well I did not have anything to talk and neither had she. I was moving under the control of my mind and she was doing what her influenced my mind was saying. Amidst all this I do not know, when I lost control over my brain. My brain took its own course, it started generating its own words, all wrapped in flavours that her mind could accept. I know that even during this course, she was feeling that everything is taking the shape that she had thought.

Everything was fine, but fate had something else to offer, it evoked the other bad side of me. I am a big time enthusiast to do most of the worldly things, but I am worst at maintaining my interest. I got bored of the way the relation was progressing. My brain got bored, though maintained its pace, and this was another big mistake that was committed. My brain was now working on two threads. Another thread started to work in background, to search for reasons to end this mind game. I became conscious of what I was doing, and I knew I was doing wrong.

During this all she was unaware of what was happening inside my brain, though I tried to explain and indicate. I feel sorry that my expressions were all wrapped up, though I knew she was not competent enough to understand them. Sadly, I knew this very fact from the beginning. I sit and think sometimes that why did my brain progress towards doing all done, and now I know the answer. We enjoyed some great moments, with artificial sentiments from my side. I do not know if she actually was doing the same or had actually lost her heart. Whatever is the case I can give a million reasons in the favour of the argument that she was fooling me. These great moments comprised of sole physical relations, and yes there can be sex without having intercourse. One thing I have learnt from these moments is that even if a naked girl is lying beside you, it is not very difficult to control, and even in that situation one can be under control of ones brain.

Well probably whatever moments we shared, she offered me all she could have possibly done but one thread of my brain was telling me that all I was doing was wrong. Amidst this internal war in my brain, she gave me resources that proved good for the thread working against our relation. She said once that she would commit suicide if I did not marry her, and that was the moment when the warning bells rang in my brain. A girl who can say so before marriage can possibly say so everyday after marriage and who knows can even commit it. Next, she started forcing me to call (phone) her everyday, and this particular dominance was very annoyed when broken. Not calling her annoyed her and calling her started annoying me. To top up all, she started interfering in my routine. She would get annoyed whenever I overworked. This was simply unacceptable to me. I got stuck between me and my brain.

I started running away from her, started avoiding her and started to intentionally hurt her. I tried my best to hurt and frustrate her to the maximum. I had a false belief that I can irritate and frustrate anyone, but I was wrong. I tried hard enough to get dumped by her, but she failed my attempts, she did not dump me and increased her suicide threats. This annoyed me the most. I was trying, getting the relation over, in a way that would hurt her minimum, but probably she wanted it the other way or probably she was not able to understand my indications.

Finally, February 14, 2008 came, and I did what I did not want to do. We met passionately and as the time passed, my brain started telling me that it was the time I should end it all. I started indicating my intentions, but probably she did not understand. The only effect I was able to have on her was that while going back home after meeting me, she was angry with me. I know I should have said it all then, but I was not able to gather strength. Somehow, this strength came when she was gone. I messaged her, through one of my friends, since I was still not able to do it myself, that whatever was in-between her and me, was physical, we had nothing to talk, and we did not share any other bonding, and that I could not continue with the relation anymore.

The message sent, proved to be the climax bringer. A series of messages started arriving on my mobile, and believe me, each and every one of them was heavy enough to make me feel guilty and scare the shit out of me. Anyway, I am not a weak person at heart, and with the support of my friends, I managed not to reply to any of the messages and did not take any calls from her. I was scared, many of the messages were very sentimental, all comprising of threats of suicide. At one of the moments, I got so scared that I posted the condition on Yahoo Answers, to seek the solution, and the answers came in support. I do not know exactly if I molded the question, posted, in a manner to get positive response or they were actually genuine advices. I even do not know if the messages were threats or actual feelings, and this is something that still makes me feel guilty, though with uncertainty, of hurting someone.

Suicide threats and emotional blackmails really piss me off. An important point to note here is that, even this pissing effect is caused by obvious selfish reasons. It means I am still not strong enough to handle my mistakes. Another thing that’s worth noting is that why someone gives such threats. Anger! Frustration! Pain! Depression! I do not know, I have till now never went under such extreme feeling, and hope that does not happens in future too. Well probably physical relations start tying you into a knot, which is never explained in words, sentiments, and emotions. It is all about trust. I still, firmly, believe that if a girl gets physical with someone, to any extent, until and unless is not a whore, will have started to trust. Winning of this trust has left me with the deep feeling of guilt. How the hell in the world can I use my words in such insane lies? Well, now it is not about repenting but about realizing and not repeating the same.

The very night of February 14, 2008, when I was left alone at my room, I broke, and I called her up. I guess even this was triggered by the word suicide, but whatever be the case, I just broke. I called her up, and tried explaining her the reason behind, though still my words were wrapped in blanket of lies, but yes this time it was for good of us both. Finally, my balance (mobiles’) went off, and the call ended. It was around 3:00 AM at that time, and I know why I was not able to sleep that whole night.

Next day, morning I received a message from her that she was going to commit suicide, followed by a message that she has taken an excess dose of some medicine. That was the moment I felt ground slipping beneath my feet. Thanks to some of my good friends, there to support. This is one part that still makes me feel blameworthy; I involved people in wrong actions of mine. Anyway, one of my friends went to her home and met her. She was alright. The feeling of culpability started to roll up. I started feeling that she was trying her hard to save the relation or probably was trying to use emotional tricks on me, as mentioned on Yahoo Answers. I guess people sitting around the world are lot experienced.

In between this all, I received a message from her that said that she will never message, call or talk to me again. I felt good. Finally, everything seemed over. I had already received a number of messages by this time, and still when I read them, I feel a rush of shame starts flowing in my veins. Anyway, the night went silently, and no message came. I had not slept from around four days, and obviously slept without knowing what was going to happen next morning, the Sunday morning, and I had a test on Monday.

During all this drama, I do not know if it was actually a drama, I did call her parents, and so did few of my friends and told them that she was a bit depressed and they should look after her. Suicide and the after-effects were obviously the motivating factor behind those calls. Well as such it is not like the motive was all selfish; even I had spent good moments with her, as had she with me. One thing I can assure you that one can’t be physical with someone without any feelings.

The next morning, February 17, 2008, she banged my door unexpectedly at around 9:00 AM. I was sleeping. I woke up, opened the door and was just shocked seeing her. The moment she entered the room she started beating me, and probably due to my nature and the effect of sleep, I too raised my hand. She calmed. She sat beside me crying and I did not know what was to be done. She was weeping and kept saying that she can’t live without me and will die. She was hiding her face in my laps, and I could feel the weight of heart. This weight was probably because something mental had started blooming among us, and for all those moments I could feel that she was actually serious about me.

The inevitable has already happened. The relation was at its end and I knew it, and I believed that was good for us. I just could not get back to her now. I was scared of being in relation with her. She was neither strong enough to control me nor was there any surety of something good happening afterwards. I kept explaining her, and tried my best that she should not cry, but all failed. This continued for some fifteen minutes. In between I have messaged two of my good friends to come to my room. My brain was now not working on only one thread.

I would have broken if the fifteen minutes span would have continued even for ten more minutes, or would have not involved the word suicide, but fate had something else to offer. I looked into her eyes, I could not see any pain, I could not see any emotions, and I do not know what was there in her eyes but certainly it was not love. I pushed her back and made her sit on the chair a bit distant from my bed, and I kept sitting on the bed. I asked her to stop crying but she continued. I do not know if it is cheap, or insane, but that moment I was looking at her face, trying to find out, if she was actually crying or was feeling bad. I could not see anything. My anger and frustration level started growing, the pacifying talks changed to rude words and then sarcastic comments and then literally a verbal fight. The only good part was that she was not acting of crying now.

Thirty or some minutes have passed. I came out of the room, and was waiting for any of my friends to come. Crying had completely stopped, I entered the room. She held one of her hands behind her back. She had a razor blade in her hand and said that she was going to commit suicide then itself. I do not know how I did not pee in my pants then, and started a hand to hand tussle with her, to take the blade off her hands. During this, one of my friends arrived. She intervened and tried to control her, and with her help I took out the blades from her fist. To my astonishment, her palm was not bleeding, that was actually a threat. All the feeling of guilt flew. My brain was under controlled thoughts again.

My friend pacified her bit and then she left my room. I do not know why the hell she wasted my and my friend time, if she did not actually want to die. The answer came after around one hour. She messaged that she will again try to die, and that will be the punishment for me. I could see the reason behind her love plies. It was simple ego hurt, and plain rage. She was just not able to take that she was dumped. I may be wrong in this conclusion, but the events after, did prove it.

I was feeling that the girl is actually mad, because just to punish me, she will commit suicide, and it was not love, it was rage. I was scared, rage is lot more powerful from love, though short lived it has more lunacy. I along with another of my friend phoned her father and told the truth that I and his daughter were going around from one month, and we had a break up, and in the depression of the same she wanted to commit suicide. I told him about the morning incident too. To my surprise, her father took it all too lightly. He said that people come and die in the world, and he is not affected by that. Her father seemed lunatic too. I got even more scared. Actually I did not get scared this time but got damn frustrated.

Everyone has someone to trust upon. I trust my controlling office, who happens to be a Dean of my college. He was in Delhi on that day. I phoned him and told him the story. He said that I should not worry and that he will talk the matter off. That was the biggest relief I got. I do not know what he talked to my so called love and her father but the matter was solved. She messaged that she will not commit suicide now and I should end up this issue, and she does not want her father to get a bad name. The relation finally ended. I was not having any feeling of guilt. I knew that whatever happened was for good. Well, this is my perception, and I may be completely wrong and if that is the case probably I am one of the biggest sinners in the world.

Some two weeks have passed now and everything is going fine. The only thing that has happened in last twelve days is that she has passed several messages to me through a common friend. She has started saying that I told her father that I used to enjoy her and that I will use her messages to blackmail her. She asked our common friend to get her snaps deleted from my laptop, and they have been deleted not only from my laptop but also from the CD backups, servers, and my email accounts. Even I do not want to have any memories of her now. I still have her messages that I will delete after some one month.

At the end I still do not know if she loved me but I know that all happened for some good. I have taken my lessons from the relation. I have felt the importance of friends again. I have recognized people who are there for me in time I need someone most. I have learnt that parents always tell the truth and them advice the best. I have realized that words are too powerful and they should be used with care. I have realized that manipulative words should not be used on people with weak thoughts, brain, heart and soul. In all, I have found some good friends out of the relation and have learnt some of the greatest lessons of my life.

Experiences are the finest teacher, and they make an individual, an eternal student, making the transition from student to teacher intricate. Teacher expresses, and student grasps, understands and implements, but when it comes to take the turn of the teacher, it sometimes becomes too difficult. Words fall short, sentences deny the shape, and everything told seems imperfect. One keeps rephrasing the explanations, and finally something filling turns up, though it also depends on the good luck.

Well I did this much of trash converse, to perceptibly set the stage, about something, and I believe I have made it clear that this writing is truly difficult for me. This piece is about corporal experiences, not mine, though I am the causal. At this point, itself I am feeling that the content is going to hurt someone, but I am helpless, all I can do is to change the names, to make the text less reflective. Anyways, I won’t natter around more, and will rather jump to the major now, though will try to keep it abstract.

This piece is about my physical relationships with a girl, named VB.NET (name changed). January marked its start, and it poised primarily of all nagging, and opposing comments. Showing support for C, JAVA (names changed), and others seemed to have had an immense effect. VB.NET fell for me, unusual, but true, unlike me falling for C. I started calling VB.NET whenever I felt to program lightly, or got my radiators blazing after a hectic day. These calls were independent of the fact that I loved programming in C and JAVA more or enjoyed the company of KERNEL (name changed) lot more. I had never felt that the inadequacies of C and JAVA would force me into VB.NET to the extent I have got in, but probably that was the providence.

Well short meetings turned into more intense encounters, but the itinerary was different, and I learnt that I was walking away from writing triumphant programs. I was doing all coding without any design, pitiable, but probably VB.NET supported my express, result oriented programming in a way, which mostly leads to bugs. I was able to see them, they were right in front of me, but the ease that VB.NET provided, forced me to continue without any stopping. Anyways, I am a slipshod experimenter in existence and so am I in programming. I continued without worrying, despite seeing the coming future. VB.NET was fooling me, it was trying to show me all that could have allured anyone, but I cherish thinking about the lines that I have to write in future, at the time I write any piece of code.

The ease of drag and drop, visual interface, sweet error messages, and obviously my hidden intentions, forced me to fall for VB.NET. I used VB.NET to its full, the just fixation that confuses is that if I was using VB.NET or I was being used by VB.NET. Anyways, whatever be the case, VB.NET made triumph of my intentions simpler. Making and pressing buttons, slipping in the underlying code, exploring the hidden parts, and to conclude seeing the caressed code was all too blissful. In short I got physical with VB.NET, just corporal, no poignant and sentimental relations, and probably this was the driving force behind my voyage with VB.NET.

It is not thorny to recall, though expressing, the feelings of working around in VB.NET. The moment mouse hovers over the Icon, the beautiful alluring tool tip text appears, and one is forced to open the IDE. Important thing is that here the one is probably only me, as the VB.NET license claims. The moment IDE is in front, I can bet it’s very difficult to move the eyes away. The buttons, list box, main form, options, explorers and everything visible are very beautifully arranged, and are of just perfect shape and size. One is forced to feel, and tang every crumb that is discernible. One can feel the smoothness, curves, and the tingling taste, as one moves the mouse over the components in the open IDE. I cannot lay in words, the feel of drag and virtual smell of help files. The moment you are in hesitation, help is there. The tutorials provided in MSDN are splendid, just ideal, or perhaps I am an express beginner. All the mistakes are corrected, that too in real time. Let me exemplify my point, imagine one is dragging over the push buttons and in the course one writes wrong code, the expressions appear, highlighted, with help messages to rescue. The way VB.NET holds ones hands and teaches the practicality of working, is what I cherish most.

The overwhelming encounters of the beginning, which were constrained to the IDE, sooner got me into the internal codes. I started slipping my hands in the auto generated code files. One point worth mentioning about these files is the warmth of the code. These codes are not only stunning in the organization, but also one can experience the tight programming done, which at the same time provides complete modularity to adjust. I was flabbergasted, as the code adapted to the new lines I added, but there is a limit to everything and so does it has, one worked well, two worked well, but when I tried inserting three modules, the IDE started crying. It is interesting, the coordination between the inner code and the IDE is real-time, the moment you pop in the first module, you can see the change in the buttons, and so is true for two modules, but sadly with three modules the IDE begins to crash. Anyways, for programmers like me, who likes tight codes, it is good. Another interesting feature, though intuitive, is the repeated addition and deletion of the modules from the auto-generated code leads to change in the complete look and feel of the IDE, starting from glow, it rises to the zenith, and then all of a sudden crashes, though the crashed interface looks satisfying.

I fail to remember things and so I forgot to reveal the veiled influence of VB.NET. Until now, I was talking only about the effects started by the user, but VB.NET can also affect the user automatically. Well, I have seen the effects only on me, so obviously the results may not be portable. I know you will laugh these experiences off, but it is very true that, sometimes the label can leave the form and reach the cloths of the user and when they reach the skin, they lead to sensual pain. Well, it may be that I was using a reflective projector on a translucent screen, which led to the cause. Another thing that I have realized over the time is that VB.NET has a variable behavior, say one has fiddled with the inner codes a lot, then VB.NET can give one an exotic high, and say the fiddling was constrained then one may get some circular motions on the programmer’s chair. I found VB.NET behavior to change with the other services running on the system, especially the voice recognition service. While coding, use of wrong verbal commands, may lead to abrupt crashes in VB.NET IDE and sometimes all the previously written code is lost, leaving one with the only option of reprogramming.

Not all parts of the voyage, experiments, life and associated are excellent, and so became true for the relations between VB.NET and me. One day all of a sudden, an error message appeared on my screen, stating that VB.NET was going to crash and stop working if I did not upgrade from the trial license to the professional license. This was never the case with C and JAVA. Well I figured out an option to overcome the error, and installed some cracks and it worked. Alas! That was not the only hiccup, a day later VB.NET started for more disk space and then physical memory, and more and more resources. I just hate any programming language that starts eating up my systems resources. I realized that the black and white interface of VI editor for C, or the NETBEANS IDE for JAVA were better, if they did not provide many lucrative features, they at least provided customization. If it had ended there, I would have been happy, but then Microsoft stepped in to spoil all left. Warning about internal code modification, beyond a limit, which I anyways never wanted to do, started popping over my screen now and then. I felt totally jaded, perturbed and so did I inform to Microsoft, but to no avail.

I wanted to get back to my old way of programming and started to dump VB.NET, and found even that was not easy. In fact, I, hooked in with VB.NET, have to program in it now and then. Well the benefit of the dumping process brought some relief. Microsoft promised that the system will not crash and the resource usage would restrain, if I apply patches and surrender my system to VB.NET occasionally. Well it is not as if I cannot dump VB.NET, but the ease I mentioned lures me towards it, after all, I am also a programmer, not someone divine. With the surety that VB.NET will not crash someday and will not crash my system either, or Microsoft will not poke its nose in my business, at least when I am offline, I am continuing to program in VB.NET, and to the benefit of all, it is periodic in nature with very low frequency.

Well, that was my experience with VB.NET and it may be that you have experienced something else, if in case you too got the license. I am carrying out with C, JAVA and PYTHON now, with infrequent peep into PHP and am in high spirits. VB.NET still resides on my system, but I click on the Icon rarely now, though I use it when I need something that is not featured in other languages or I need a safer way to program quickly.

Towards the end, I have a warning for you, if you ever use VB.NET in parallel to me, and VB.NET discusses it with me (this is a must), I may blow your system, format your hard disk, and may even rip your balls off (If you have. For people who do not have, they can program with me if they like). If you are a user from past, tell me how to tweak VB.NET to my needs, I will be grateful.

That is it. I will update you as the voyage progresses. See you, bye.

In the last few days, I had talk about love, with two people, who in a way or other did affect my life in one or other way. The talk, left incomplete once and the other time it was more complete, but somehow now I feel the need to write about, what I feel about love and so does it goes here.

An introduction is necessary for every piece of writing, but I have eliminated it and would rather like to talk about how to read this writing. Well, the first thing is I have kept this piece in the simplest of the words and combinations, devoid of examples, more abstract, so it would require your brain to think with the lines. Next, this is for people, who have ever thought about love, mind it not there love, but only love. Lastly, if at any moment, while reading this piece, you stop getting the feel, just leave it, because the lines that would follow, will be just piece of shit for you and please do not try finding any literary pleasure in this writing. That is it! I will head start from the next very line.

Love in normal life is felt in various forms, though the first one we think about is about and in between opposite sex, and is what would be easiest to visualize. This writing will hence be more concerned with the case of love between the opposite sexes, but yes, it is same in all forms of love. I divide love into stages, as many other have done, and all of our human love falls in one or the other stage, and all love passes these stages, though may end up at a few.

The first stage of love is sex. I will like to remind you I mean abstract sex, and it encompasses a number of types of feelings. Anyways this stage of love is very short, with exceptions going hand in hand. The feeling of sex is with everyone and yes, there is no exception to it. All the chill, electric, pounding heart or whatever you name, feelings that arises, whenever you touch, is arises out of the sex quotient of this stage of love. Well this stage is in general very easy to cross. The day physical expectations take the form of touch, unsaid touch the stage starts reaching its end. Since, I would be more abstract afterwards; I need to include a crude example here to start giving you a feel. Say there is a male person, obviously in love with a girl. He cares the breasts for the first time, may be for the first time in his life, his hands may tremble, he may go wild, and his heart may start pounding and may be he gets nervous, but whatever is the case he will seek the need of the feeling again and again. Now, say touch, is there, the girls breasts rubs the hands of the male person occasionally, unknowingly, and unspoken, after sometime he will never crave for the feelings he will get the first time of touch. In addition, eventually the feeling or desire of caressing the breasts will vanish, and mind it is not sadist in nature. Believe me; this touch is so strong that it eliminates the sex out of the relation, without any unadventurous feelings. Lastly, touch may not always be real; it may in dreams and may be in imagination too.

The next stage is when a person starts falling in love with the image, image of the person. Initially the image overlaps with the person, but later it separates out. In this stage of love, a person is in love with overlapping image of the person. The person makes out an image, incomplete image, which seeks its elements from the loved person’s actions. This stage is full of emotions and sentiments and happiness is just a part of it. As the time passes, the image becomes complete. This stage, with a complete image, is the most volatile. All feelings of happiness, pain etc are at its maximum when the image is complete, reason being the expectations, mismatch of the expectation between the actions of the person and the image build. As the stage matures, the complete image starts separating out of the person and then these feelings start to diminish or rather start converging towards satisfaction. One thing that needs to be explicitly said, is that, a person falls in love with a image, not the person, once this stage is reached i.e. we love a image not a person, whether it be sexually, emotionally, or sentimentally. Anyways, this is the most common stage among all the stages of love.

The third stage of love starts when the image totally separates out of the person. The actions do not matter any more the image is complete. As such, this is the most interesting, among the stages of love due the variants it has. This stage, in most of the cases, is also the shortest stage of all. Serious love as many people term it, then break up, passes through this stage too. Without realising, the person reaches this stage too fast, then starts generating a new image all together and reaches back to the previous stage, the moment some other person fitting well into that image. Anyways, this is mostly not the case, when the image takes its time to mature and getting complete. In the core cases, this stage becomes the longest and person is totally into the image. It is the stage where a person may even kill the person being in love with without feeling any pain or may not feel hard on break up, or may even be comfortable, seeing the person being in love with sleep with someone else. This is the kind of height of love falling in this stage. Personally, this is the stage, which I actually call as love.

A hybrid of the second and the third kind of love is single sided love, as it has been termed. A person creates a dynamic image and keeps hibernating between the two stages of love, unless the love does not remains single sided or the love reaches the third stage of love completely i.e. with a complete image. The most interesting part of this hybrid is that, break ups happens here too, though are similar to the one of the third stage, where the break ups are not due to expectations.

The fourth stage is the stage when a person falls in love with moments, moments of satisfaction, spiced up with moments of happiness. Most of the people realize this stage of love only when the love is lost. Anyways, loosing of love is not mandatory. After continuously loving the image, the image starts becoming the part of one and it no longer remains something other than self. A person does not see, imagines, or visualizes or whatever, the image is lost. The person starts getting sweet feelings, feelings of happiness and satisfaction, from the moments. One thing that I need to make explicit here is that satisfaction incorporates pain. The most interesting part about this stage is, the person does not even need to be with the person being in love with anymore, forget bout the actions. The person being in love with if exists in life, becomes a medium, to recall the moments, just a medium, a catalyst. Lastly, this love somehow reaches this stage in the break ups that happen in stage three loves, though just for a small moment.

The next and the fifth stage of love is the stage when the person falls in love with the feelings, the feelings of the moments. A person needs to recall the moments, whether consciously or subconsciously, to get the particular feel and in this stage of love, this need is lost. Just imagine the case when you are always high, say on alcohol i.e. you always feel high whether you drink or you not. People may argue that this stage may be actually feeling less indeed, but that is not true. Feeling are lost with continuous feels, this stage is reached in between the cycles of feels, it just one feel that lasts, mostly subconsciously.

The last stage of love is of being blank, just blank, amongst a void, in an everlasting feel of inner silence. I do not have proper words to describe this stage since it starts where words start to end or rather our language is incomplete too describe this stage. This stage comes, altogether for all the love in the person life. Everything feels same; or rather, nothings feel at all. You can call it nirvana of love probably. Fuck me, I do not have words for this stage, still I am in the stage of visualizing this stage, and am stuck in a pale from where I am not able to get out of the box, sorry for that.

This is all how I classify love and probably see love. I can fill pages on the details and can provide with supporting examples, but probably that will make your imaginations bound with rules, so better I thought to leave the imagination part to you. You must have perceived the writing to the level of thought process that has passed your life and I know if you have felt the life more than me, you would already realized, and in that case please do enlighten me with your thoughts too. For the people who are like, who read anything that come there way, and have read it without any feel, just fuck off. Lastly, lucky you, who survived until the end and that too with the feel or with more feel then mine, thanks for reading this piece, and laughingly yes, if you are a female do contact me.

HAVE A LOVING LIFE!

Changes are mandatory and they have no escape! Though there cannot be any control over changes in terms of its coming into subsistence, the course can be diverted and that is what self has to fight and bother about.

Silent moves and brisk observations followed by random behaviour are blanketing the novel or actual is coming out of evade, land self into dilemma. Cynic thoughts and sceptic judgments about the people who co-exist is awing upon the sanguine self. Sometimes it is bewildering and revolting that why the sight is not able to see the positive side of others? Well that is the transformation; save for what is the rationale of the change is more significant. The current scenario or the way of living or is it something else? All sense of logistics, thoughts, and perceptions lead the reckoning towards both. This reasoning sounds the least impressive of all due to the incongruous nature of the rationale provided. Then what is the motivation that has forced this crippling change, better say the characters of this change? Thoughts towards the origin of the above-mentioned justification make the picture clearer. It boils down to the people around, people whom self is listening, people whose thoughts intrude self’s life, the most.

With the source of transformation in front, streams of questions arise. If this change worth? Does it add anything good to self-life? Should self-change the nature of this vary? Has this transformation started to control the real self? All the queries lead to the lone answer; there is a need to change the course of the transformation and that is the sole thing that can lead to development of positive inner self.

Identification and psychoanalysis of the source leave self with another question. How shall the self change the itinerary of the transmogrification happening in self’s life? Shall the people or the person causing these be dropped out of self’s life?  Alternatively, is there any other way to achieve the same result? Will the path taken affect self’s life? Is the rectification course capable of some other insane changes? This is the point of self being locked into dilemma. Narrowing everything down, from people to person, self arrives at glimpses of some near past, the person had been helpful, and was of some great assist in time when needed.

Everything being clear, it is the time of decision, something bold, that may hurt and that may bring infamy. The person needs to be cut off from self’s life, slowly, not physically but from thoughts. Self has to conclude all the individual relations and has to twirl the whole thing into a professional flow.

It is easy to take a decision if the consequences are known. Worst of all, self realizes, realization of the person of cause, about the rectification step may lead to certain amount of professional loss, that may be more than certain amount, and perceptibly, personal disharmony. Well several risks are worth being taken and the self has to take this one. Self has to execute the decision and self knows that the self is strong enough to accomplish decisional thoughts.

The quirk of fate is that these decisional thoughts are implemented the moment they are thought and so has this one. Probably self has found now one of the dishonourable adjusts that has crept into self’s life and has successfully changed the course of the change.

Insanity is hidden and is hidden in all in various forms. Sometimes it’s visible and sometimes people are able to hide it from the eyes of others. The story is same for all, at one or other abstraction level, and this leaves a question boggling our mind, that why people with open forms of insanity are criticized? Do they do something wrong? Shall they change?

The quest to satisfy our questions leads us to exploration of human behavioural insanity to a greater depth. The most criticized form of insanity is the one above the abstraction level of visibility. The non-figurative reasons for the condemn of the visible insanity takes the form of the reasons that sound like being hurt by the practitioners of perceptible insanity in various forms. Lack of words also gives rise to reasons of wilful nature of the visible insanity practitioners. Lastly, if nothing sounds acceptable ply of intrusion in individual life is sought as a motivation of denigration. Diverse rationales are still available for criticizing the named psychosis followers but more or less they are same at one other level of abstraction.

Brooding on these lines, mind drives towards finding the rationalization of the reasons of vilification of the insanity practitioners. Justification depends all upon the extremity of the measures and also on the individual who faces them. Some people may like the imposition and several may become apprehensive in the same condition and it all again in turn depends upon the personal vigour of the individual. Looking as of a higher abstraction one cannot distinguish if is it a corner of insanity practitioner or the individual. The psyche always forces our conduct to support the individual facing the actions. With the upper hand, when the person who has faced the exploit, if falls amongst the bevy, who are in accord, forgets about the good deeds of the visible insanity practitioners and falls in the hands of eternal bliss of criticism. Experience has always taught on the contrary that if the situations are changed, mob of people in accord against visible insanity practitioner are removed, the individual who faces the events gets an entirely different perception, but situations are few. Human temperament, ordinarily, is doomed to find ecstasy in criticism and runs towards mass holding like opinions and that is the heart of the problem.

Next question that needs to be answered is, are the practitioners of insanity in visible form of abstraction, ideally wrong? Looking from the perception of general thong, they are very wrong. None likes to be subjugated, intruded or face parallel actions, whether it is in the real world or ideal world. On contrary the hidden fact is who does not want to subjugate, intrude or prove oneself superior. Denial of this contrasting fact subjected only to the limitation of acceptance of the reality, but fair enough, there may possibly be exceptions and these exceptions are people who have crossed the human behavioural pensiveness echelon. Observing the scenario from external liberty reflects the verity that both the kinds of insanity practitioners are identical fundamentally. Here the rationalization is all decided by the counts of both sides. Numeric values do play important role in the real world.

Before the finishing line is touched, the question left unanswered is, should the visible insanity practitioners change, if the count of differing nature crosses their count? Supremely the answer is a straight rebuff. Visible insanity practitioners should seek the companionship of like individuals; if at all a blissful existence is desired. The mentioned course of blissful life is the rule of the human race. Violation of this rule is not very uncommon and often the visible insanity practitioners stand against the law of majority. The real criticism at a higher level of abstraction remains all about the popular beliefs and mass. If changes are not acceptable to the insanity practitioners, then the lone selection they are left with is to stand firm and struggle against, but then there remains no room for complains and this is the central point of collapse. Finally, the decision about adopting the majority’s outlook remains in hands of the minors.

Answering all the questions and satisfying the desire, we arrive at the destination but as one of the great poets said, “A man’s destiny is not his destination,” we set towards a new journey, with the new questions, which have crept into the mind, into another voyage with unknown destiny.

“Sucks! And yes it sucks! Working, researching, training and everything you do in a government organization suck.”   Guess that’s why people want to run away from these organizations. The thing that’s foggy is why I see a long line of candidates seeking government jobs, everyday in front of government offices. I don’t agree if you say it’s the unemployment that actually makes them come here; I believe it’s only the work that’s offered. Yeah! It’s awesome.

Let me throw some light on the work routine of a normal government servant. It will reflect the ease of work, flexibility offered and pleasant atmosphere you get when you are a government servant. (Hey! I won’t call it ‘government servant’ anymore, I don’t like these words. Let’s do some C programming and say ‘#define ANT government servant.)

Daily a ANT arrives at 9:00 AM IST sharp, to his office and ANT very well knows what IST means. Now, ANT checks his emails, chats, browses internet and does everything to take full use of the technology. Whoosh! So much work done, it’s not easy to keep your ass on the stupid chair staring at the idiotically behaving box for long. So, he goes into hibernation for an hour or so and relaxes inside the AC chamber, rocking his well cushioned chair. Then starts the major part of ANT’s routine. ANT has to Gossip! Talk! Explain! Brainstorm! On topics ranging from Indian security, internal politics, sports, movies, degradation of culture to the last evening spent with hot/sweet female/male co-employee.  Hmmn! I guess that would have ended the list of topics if I would have told that such sessions end with, discussion on family problems and cursing the government. Well, by the time this all routine takes place its 12:30PM, Lunch Time! And obviously as you would have already guessed, ANT leaves for lunch. Who won’t feel hungry after this much of hard work? After ANT comes back from lunch its relaxation time. You know that how sleepy it feels when you enter your calm AC office after a superb but subsided lunch and hence the government obviously provides ANT with relaxation in rules so that ANT can relax. Then it becomes 3:00PM, Tea time and ANT wakes up has tea and is all set to go and do work. Then for whole one hour you have to work in a situation much similar to hell. You have to do lots of paper work, give reports, submit excuses, draw salary, and file medical compensations, plan your evening, think about your loans and all the hell sort of work in the world. Tough time! Huh! But happy time comes after sour time only and it becomes 4:30PM. And, as the time to leave for home is 5:00PM ANT has to prepare for that and finally he leaves at 5:00PM IST sharp. I can’t understand one thing here that why the definition of IST defers in morning and evening.

Well what do you say now, compare your pissing job with the job of ANT and you will never say that you are at an advantageous position. I have heard from some of my friends that private companies are not at all patriotic, they will force you to come at 9:0AM UST (United States Standard time) sharp and you can’t leave before 5:00PM UST. And, that’s not the end if you don’t work or aren’t able to finish your project by deadline they will throw you out. How cool is life of ANT’s, they can kill their spouse, mother etc or can make them ill a number of times in the same week and the senior ANT will happily accept the reason for failure of deadline. And to add more you have fixed salary if you are in a private company, just see the benefit a ANT reaps under the table and obviously ANT doesn’t needs to pay any tax for it. Well enough said about benefit of being a ANT as the list will go on and on.

The only thing I don’t understand after reaching this far is why some ANT tend to act like a private company employee in government companies and tend to make life of other ANT’s miserable.

Whatever I am happy doing my internship in a government company but being influenced by this rock culture even I am going to leave all these benefits as soon as the internship ends and join some private company. God save me!